


Staying Up and Learning to Breathe

by EverShadow



Series: Sidelines (Alex's POV) [3]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-22
Updated: 2012-12-22
Packaged: 2017-11-22 01:17:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/604213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EverShadow/pseuds/EverShadow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If time cannot heal her wounds, they are wounds that will stay open forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Staying Up and Learning to Breathe

  
It's a miracle she has breath enough to call out for Tobin as loud as she did. Her body seemed to take a life of its own, knowing what it wanted, _needed,_ before her mind did. When Tobin doesn't return like she would in Alex's best dreams, she scrambles to the balcony and watches her car peel out of the parking lot. It's when everything is still again, when the dust settles over the battlefield, that she feels how deep her wounds are.

She's always liked small spaces, whether it was a locker cubby to curl up in and focus before a game or a closet to drown out her sobs. She doesn't even hear footsteps approach until the closet door swings open and the pitch black space is filled with light. Alex squints up into the brightness, her body still wracked with tears that won't stop and she's worried they never will.

"Please," she cries. "Just leave me here." She curls her knees up into her chest and lets her head drop between her knees. Her chest seizes up and a pathetic whimper leaves her throat. Abby leans down and without a word, folds her up in her arms, and carries her back out. The blinding light makes Alex wince and bury her face into Abby's shoulder. Abby sets her down onto her bed and instinctively, Alex curls in on herself again. She doesn't know how to deal with the agony coursing through her entire body. Abby sits next to her and strokes her hair. Her mouth feels fused shut but she manages an, "I'm sorry." Abby drops her hand to Alex's shoulder and she feels the whole bed shift with Abby's knowing sigh. She applies pressure against Alex's skin, as if she could steady her with such a simple touch.

At some point, Sarah shows up with a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Her appearance startles Alex and her eyes dart to the glowing digital clock. She's lost track of time, each minute had bled into the next. She hadn't realized how dark it had gotten.

"She OK?" She hears Sarah ask from the other room. She's not. She won't be, not when she might've lost her best friend. The thought of Tobin draws another muffled sob from her expended chest, answering Sarah's question. "If it's Servando I swear that man will never reproduce." Abby shushes her and says something inaudible. Alex lets the noises in the other room distract her: the scuffle of feet, the sound of a kiss, the opening and closing of the front door, more shuffles. Abby appears in her room again and sets the pint of ice cream at her feet. Her hand returns and grasps a hold of Alex's hand. If there was one thing Abby was good at, it was being patient.

"We broke up." It's as good a place to start as any. Abby nods to let her know she heard. "But that's not..." She swallows. "It's Tobin." Her name claws its way to the surface and Alex gasps for breath when she says it. She feels Abby stiffen and shift in surprise, even if her face remained neutral. The next words are even harder, and fresh tears interrupt each syllable.

"I love her." The pause that follows scares Alex. She irrationally thinks for a moment that Abby is going to leave her, that her love for Tobin is going to leave her alone forever. But Abby cracks a sympathetic smile, turns and wraps Alex up into a hug.

They finish most of the pint by the end of the hour and Alex manages a longer, broken explanation. Abby listens to her, spoons ice cream into her mouth and waits patiently every time it feels like the world around her rotates too fast. Alex has to stop, remind herself that as hurt as she was, the earth was still moving at the same slow pace it always did, before she continues.

Abby doesn't speak until Alex is out of words and too numb to say much else.

"Congratulations, you've experienced your first heartbreak." It's unexpectedly casual and Alex laughs despite herself. Abby flashes a quick smile before her eyes fall and the mood is somber again. "But it sounds like you two have a lot of issues to work out."

"Have I ruined it?" Alex asks meekly. Abby shrugs.

"Maybe." Her words are truthful and they bite into Alex's skin. "But give it time." The heaviness of the day presses on her shoulders and she sinks into the bed. Abby tugs at the covers under Alex's body and Alex comes off the bed enough for Abby to pull them up and over her.

"Do you want me to sit with you?" Abby asks as she tucks her in. Alex manages to shake her head. Her roommate squeezes her on the shoulder one last time before she stands.

"Hey Abby?" Alex whispers. The tall, solid forward turns back and gives her a small smile to let her know she was there. "Practice is going to suck, huh?" She needs to joke, because laughing is better than the alternative. Better start constructing the facade now. Abby laughs through her nose and grins.

"Sleep well, Alex." She turns off the light and everything is black again. Her hands reach from under the covers and grasp at the phone on her night stand. She hadn't heard it go off, and she visually confirms that there are no new messages. Her fingers work quickly. They fly across the keyboard and construct the message before she loses courage and hopes it reaches Tobin before it's too late. It's such a short message, but it seems like it takes forever to send. Exhaustion finally wins, and she falls asleep clutching the phone just in case there's a response.

~**~

Alex emerges from her room a day later. She feels like she's cried enough for two heartbreaks. Abby and Sarah are in the kitchen and the room freezes in place when she walks out.

"Want pancakes?" Sarah gestures towards the griddle. Alex's stomach rumbles and groans when she smells the combination of batter cooking and fresh strawberries. She doesn't care that the sun is lazily setting in their window and they're making breakfast food. But she has on her running shoes, and she just wants to go.

"Maybe later." She forces a smile to go along with her weak voice.

"We'll leave them out for you." Abby reassures. Alex acknowledges her kindness with a smile and steps out of the apartment. The cold wind slaps her across the face and she entertains the idea of going back inside like a sane person. But her feet start moving before she makes the decision and soon she's flying across the pavement. Tired and depleted as she is, she runs faster and harder than she's ever done before, as if maybe her speed was enough to outpace her thoughts, memories, and feelings. The freezing air burns her lungs with every desperate gasp of breath but she welcomes the distraction. _Work until you can't think, then work some more._ She doesn't even know where she's going, she just listens to the steady beat of her strides, _one, two, three, breathe, one, two, three, breathe._ When Tobin's smile materializes in her head, she finds unexpected energy to sprint, to leave it behind in a burst of speed that quickly makes her chest ache. She attributes the pain to running, because she doesn't want to think about what else it could be.

She doesn’t realize how far she’s run until the sound of waves crashing onto the pier drowns out her thoughts in its white noise. Her feet hit the sand and it’s as if all her muscles vanish in one go. She collapses onto the beach and the slabs of wood overhead shake with the occasional passerby’s footsteps. The sand is a welcome relief, and she lays down completely even though she’s sure the cold can’t be good for her muscles. She tries to focus on the noises surrounding her but once she catches her breath, the images catch up too. Most vividly, she remembers Tobin’s face the last time she saw her.

Tobin has never looked at her like that; Tobin has never looked at _anyone_ with so much hate because Tobin doesn’t have it in her to hate. But there was no mistaking that much rage in her eyes. It cut Alex open, and she’s still trying to figure out how to put herself back together. Even if she finally does, she’s not sure she’ll ever properly heal. Alex instinctively reaches for her necklace, pure habit at this point because it steeled her nerves and gave her strength. But her fingers only found skin and she lets her hand rest at her throat. Only her pulse reminds her that she’s alive and that even if it doesn’t feel like it, her blood is still flowing, time continues, and lying there wasn’t going to fix the gaping chasm she’s created with just a kiss and a confession.

But the ball’s at Tobin’s feet now. She just hopes Tobin passes it back.

~**~

It’s completely dark when she finally gets home. Abby and Sarah are passed out on the couch, the TV still going in front of them. A small stack of pancakes sit on the kitchen counter, no doubt cold and stale. Alex quietly shuts the door behind her and tiptoes into her room. The heaviness from before sets in again as entire apartment is filled with memories of her and Tobin, some from earlier, happier days and some from the last time they’d met. She shakes off her shoes and socks and crawls into bed, not wanting to wake the two lovers on the couch. She draws the blankets close to her, and squeezes her eyes shut when all the heartache she tried to escape floods back when she imagines Tobin’s face again. She brings the covers to her mouth and bites down, stifling sobs as they rise in her chest. Outside, she hears the couch shift and she does her best to stop, but her whole body shakes with effort. Sarah whispers something in the quiet, and she hears her name mentioned.

“Give her time.” Abby’s response is much clearer. She waits until they leave the living room and close the door to their bedroom before she allows herself to think of Tobin again. She’s sure even muffled, her roommate can hear her sobs. She just thanks God that they don’t check up on her because she needs to be alone for just a little while longer. In all of it, she thinks of her own selfishness, how she not only lost her best friend, but she also lost a man who cared for her deeply. And what did she have to show for it? She reaches again for her phone, knowing even before she flips it open that there would still be no response. As she sets it down on her nightstand, she wonders just how many more days she would have to cry herself to sleep.

~**~

Her face is a mess the next day. Her eyes are puffy and red, her throat sore, and her face swollen. She groans when she sees herself, knowing just how pitiful she looks. Abby pokes her head in for just a second before she ducks out.

“Let me know when you’re done.” She calls from the kitchen.

“Ok.” Alex’s voice is barely audible over the running water. It sounds like she’d been chain smoking for years. When she leaves the bathroom, she nearly runs into Sarah, who squeezes her arm before she passes.

She’s not prepared for when her phone does buzz with that familiar, yet terrifying custom ringtone. It’s loud enough that everyone stops and stares. She freezes in place and waits until the light blinks, until it’s a sure thing that yes, that is a message and yes, it is from the person she’s stayed up all night dreaming of. Her fingers quake uncontrollably as she scrambles for her phone, like there’s some sort of timer counting down until the message disappears.

_Can you meet me at the church in half an hour?_

She’s afraid Tobin will take it back. She’s afraid she’ll get a second message that simply says, _Nevermind._ She fires off her response before her phone rings again. Abby and Sarah both stare at her, waiting for her to confirm what they already know. She holds her breath for another minute just to make sure. When she breathes again, so do Abby and Sarah.

“It’s Tobin.” She whispers. The two exchange a worried glance. “She wants to meet up.” The words echo back at her and kick her in the stomach. _She wants to meet up._ Excitement and dread fight for control when she imagines what Tobin might say to her. _She could say she loves me, or she might say she never wants to see me again._

~**~

It doesn't strike Alex how perfect the setting is until she sits down at the pew right up front. She laughs when she realizes, of course Tobin would pick this place to meet. This was her playground, here she had home field advantage. Here she could rely on God to watch over her and Alex could only hope that God wouldn't neglect her as well. She looks up at the giant face of Christ and finds pity in his gaze. It couldn't hurt to try and even the playing field. She folds her hands and squeezes her eyes shut but, just like before, no real prayer jumps to her mind. She prays for Servando, asking God to bring him all the happiness she couldn't. She thinks of his face, his warmth, and his love. Tears spring to the corner of her eyes not because she's heartbroken over him, but because she's the one who caused him that much anguish.

She barely has a moment to ask God to help her when she hears soft footsteps behind her. She sends one last prayer, asking for Him to guide her again, before her whole body stiffens. When Tobin approaches her seat, Alex cannot bring herself to look at her and wonders how they became such strangers in such a short time. There's no hug, no greeting, not even an acknowledgement of each other's existence. Alex wants to ask how she's been, if she's been eating or sleeping. She's even willing to ask about her girlfriend, anything to break the silence between them so that they can start healing.

Tobin doesn't sit right next to her, she puts almost enough space in the middle for another person. Perhaps it was to protect herself from any more uncontrolled impulses Alex may have. She can hardly blame her, she's made far too many mistakes for Tobin to take another chance, especially not when both of them were so fragile.

“I didn't think you'd meet me after what I did.” The words come out more hurt and bitter than Alex means. She thought she could have pretended that everything was alright by putting on a cheery demeanor, maybe even the ghost of a grin But seeing Tobin, with her jaw set and her eyes focused forward, sapped her energy. She never thought she'd see the day when Tobin refused to look her in the eye and at least attempted to smile. She didn't think she'd ever doubt one day that they were friends.

The distance between them is only a foot, but it seemed like miles to her. Only two days have passed, but the rift resembles a lifetime of drifting. She wonders if Tobin has called her here to kill whatever is left of their damaged relationship.

“I'll always feel responsible for what happened.” It takes Alex a moment to process Tobin's statement. She's not sure if Tobin was referring to Servando, or referring to her feelings that led up to this moment. Either way, it wasn't just Tobin's fault.

“It takes two people to make or break a relationship, Tobin.” Because she was the other half, no matter what the situation. She was the one who lacked the strength to break up with Servando when the seeds of doubt started sprouting in their relationship, and she was equally weak when it came to suppressing her selfish desire for Tobin.

The silence kills her with every second. She muses how similar their personalities are to the positions they play on the field. She wants nothing more than for Tobin to go for it, to stop thinking and shoot her down if she wants it. But Tobin just sits in place, no doubt holding another conversation with God. If Tobin can wait, so can she. Alex's not the one with the ball.

“Why now? Why now when things are finally going back to normal.” _But they never were._ Alex thinks. _You were always in love with me until you weren't and now I'm in love with you._

“Things haven't been normal for a while.” Tobin stiffens at Alex's statement and she realizes that Tobin still isn't used to having her feelings acknowledged so openly.

“Six months ago, maybe even a month ago, I'd have wanted nothing more than for you to do what you did the other night.” It's all in past tense, with every “-ed” and “had” Alex's heart sinks a little more until she's sure it can go no further, until she's sure words can't hurt her anymore.

“But you feel differently now?” It's pathetic and desperate, her response, but Tobin turns to her, and she wonders just how pitiful she must sound to get Tobin to look. She swallows the lump in her throat when their eyes meet and when she sees the tears in Tobin's eyes. It's the first time she's seen how much pain her actions have caused. There are no more barriers between them, no fake smiles, no white-gold heart necklaces to act as defense. They sit there raw and vulnerable with their hearts in their eyes. There is only air that keeps them apart.

“I was doing so well, Alex. I was doing everything I could to get over you. I even told Sean about you – about how I was in love with you for the longest time...” Alex suddenly feels ashamed at what she's done to them. How long had Tobin been suffering alone? Months? Years? And when confronted with the same emotion she gives into it not a week after realizing that her juvenile feelings for Tobin may be more than friendship. Fresh tears spring to her eyes when she thinks about how deep her best friend's wounds must go.

“What did she say?”

“She broke up with me.” Alex hates that her heart finds new life with that statement. She can feel Christ looking down at her for finding hope in another's loss. “She said she didn't do complicated things and this thing between us is too complicated for her. And when she asked me if I was over you...” Alex feels her fingertips numb, and her lips tremble. She can only imagine dying to feel a little like this, a little uncertain whether you are about to go, or whether you stay for just a little longer.

“What did you tell her?” Tobin looks away and steadies herself with a breath.

“I didn't answer her; I couldn't.” Alex's heart hangs out of her chest, straining in the space between them and trying to figure out whether to break or mend.

“What do we do now?” The ball is still Tobin's.

“What do you want? Like, really want?” There's a hint of a plea in Tobin's voice. Alex knows full well what she wants, but she's scared that if she says it aloud, it would be too heavy for Tobin to shoulder.

“I want to stop feeling like I'm always on the brink of losing you.”

“You’ll never lose me, though.” Alex swears her heart stops when Tobin utters that sentence. All the pressure lifted from her shoulders, and it take everything for her not to break down and cry. She still had Tobin. Despite all of this, _she still had Tobin_.

“We’ve had too many close calls.”

“But we always make it through. We have to; you said that.” It’s weak, and it can barely support the two of them, but it’s the beginning of the bridge between them. Alex moves just an inch closer, and Tobin doesn’t move away.

“What about you? What do you want?” She knows if Tobin replies with “you”, she won’t be able to control herself. Tobin lets out a laugh, like it’s the easiest question in the world.

“I want simple again. I want this complicated thing between us to uncomplicate itself.” Alex thinks that there’s nothing more simple than loving each other, but she bites her tongue.

“Are you saying you don’t want to be with me?” Tobin looks at her as if it’s the last thing she wants.

“I’m saying that maybe we should be single for a while. We just got out of relationships and I think it’s better if we don’t jump into anything. If things happen, then things happen. But I don’t want to jump into it blind.” It’s not a “no.” but it's not a "yes" either. She moves closer, swallowing the space that separated them until her leg is practically flush against Tobin’s.

“What about us?” Her hand reaches out against her better judgement and rests on Tobin’s arm. Her skin is warm and Alex savors the contact she’s missed for the past two days. To her surprise, Tobin neither shirks away nor flinches when they touch. In fact, her hand reaches up and caresses the back of Alex’s hand. She can still see some of the scars on Tobin’s knuckles, a constant reminder of how she just _barely_ survived Alex and Servando’s relationship. She knows what Tobin’s going to say before she says it.

“If it’s in God’s plan, then it’s in God’s plan. I guess we’ll just wait and see.”

The ball’s at God’s feet now.

~**~

It ends with them beginning anew. It's the last thing Alex expects – a fresh start, a promise that she will not lose her best friend. But it’s not a guarantee that she’ll get what she wants, and she’s not naive. She knows that their friendship is going to take work and a lot of it.

She also knows things will never go back to how they were, not as long as she can picture Tobin sitting alone in that church. Not while that stands as the most beautiful thing she has ever seen. But she can pretend. For Tobin, she can pretend.

Being friends was hard enough the first time. Rebuilding that friendship when Alex already knows Tobin’s ins and outs proves more difficult than she thought. It’s harder because she can tell Tobin’s more guarded around her. Whether she means to or not, she can see the unvoiced fear in Tobin’s eyes, waiting for Alex to fuck it all up again. But Alex stays strong. She doesn’t rely on God, no, that’s Tobin’s thing. Instead, she tells herself that she could not handle losing Tobin again. When Tobin’s soft, brown, lightly emerald flecked eyes meet hers, it’s easier to remember why she was holding back. She couldn’t handle not being able to look into those eyes. Tobin is her weakness, but for Tobin she finds strength to hold on and treasure what they strove to rebuild.

They have their firsts again, short of introductions. The first time Tobin hugs her, it’s right after practice a week after the incident, and it’s awkward and unsure. Tobin leans in, hands outstretched and Alex almost jumps away when she sees it. They dance around each other before cautiously pressing their shoulders together and giving each other a very platonic, very noncommittal pat on the back before breaking apart. It’s a reminder of how far they have left to go before they’re back to the point where Alex can wrap herself in Tobin’s arms and stay there listening to the pulse quicken in Tobin’s chest.

She doesn’t forget the first time she made Tobin laugh. She says something stupid, makes a stupid pun, and the whole locker room explodes in laughter. It’s the first time she’s seen Tobin smile like that in a very long time and it sends a shiver up and down her spine to think that she was the cause. She’d been the reason for so many of Tobin’s tears, to see that genuine grin, the tiniest crinkle in Tobin’s nose, and to hear a breath of laughter escape through her teeth made Alex’s heart swell. If she had ever doubted whether or not she was in love with Tobin, it had been put to rest.

Sometimes it’s difficult, when they wrap their arms around each other right after a spectacular goal against Hope, their faces touch and it would be so easy, so natural, and expected for Alex to turn her head and kiss her - she refrains.

~**~

“So what’s going on with you and Tobin?” Lauren Cheney plops down on the sofa next to her after a long hard day of practice. Alex looks over to the giant leather loveseat that Tobin occupies by herself.

“What do you mean?” Alex asks, feigning ignorance.

“I dunno, you two seem like you had a fight or something. What happened?” Alex shifts uncomfortably. It shouldn’t surprise her that her teammates noticed, but it’s still a reality check.

“Yeah, are you guys mad at each other?” Sydney chimes in, taking the spot next to Cheney. Alex suddenly feels like she’s in the hot seat.

“We’re not mad.” She insists. Alex and booze never go well together. She sets down her drink and crosses the room to where Tobin’s fidgeting with her shirt. Alex breathes and Tobin looks up at her with scared eyes. She can smell the alcohol on her breath and Alex knows where Tobin’s mind is going. She sits down in between Tobin’s knees, her whole body stiff with worry. This is by far the largest leap they’ve taken, and for a moment she wonders if she’s pushed too far too fast. She’s aware of the eyes watching her, Leroux, Cheney, Rapinoe and the ever concerned Wambach. Her heart hammers against her throat.

Tobin’s arms slide around her shoulders and come to a rest when her elbows touch her neck. She can feel the weight of Tobin’s chest pressed against her back, and Tobin’s hands knot right at her collarbone. She breathes and sinks back into the comfort of Tobin’s embrace.

~**~

She wonders if they’ve pretended too long. She wonders if what she wants of Tobin is not in God’s plan after all. Their relationship stagnates. It takes twice as long for them to mend their friendship as it did to make it in the first place. But Alex has no idea what to do from there. When Tobin casually throws her arm around Alex, that she thinks maybe that’s all it is. Maybe they’re just meant to be friends and she needs to start learning how to do what Tobin’s done and move on.

But then there are the quiet moments - Tobin’s lingering glance that she sees out of the corner of her eye, the silence and nothingness that surround them when their eyes meet and hold there for a beat or two, or the searing way Tobin brushes her fingers against Alex’s forehead to remove some insignificant stray hair from her visage - that make Alex think they still have a way forward.

It’s an unknowing she can’t bear anymore.

~**~

She paces the distance from the couch to kitchen for fifteen minutes. A flyer rests on the counter for the farmer’s market. Tobin’s sure to be there, she’s the one who invited the whole team. But it’s too crowded and too noisy for what she wants to say and do.

Finally she picks up the phone and with a racing heart she dials Tobin’s number. It rings repeatedly until it finally goes to voicemail. Tobin must be in the shower because when she hears the voicemail message, it surprises her and she doesn’t know what to say after the beep.

“Hey.” It’s as good a start as any, and once she gets one word out, the rest tumble out in a manner she hopes is coherent. “I-I waited, like we planned. I waited to see if the feelings would pass and this desire for wanting to be with you would die down. And maybe it would fade over time, you know, but I don’t think I can spend my life waiting when the chance is right in front of us. I know we’d be risking a lot, but I know I’d be regretting a lot more if I never took it. I want to stop just wondering what this thing is between us; this, like, limbo. Because I want to take the chance with you but only if you want to. I’ll be at the practice field in an hour. If you don’t show, then I’ll take that as your answer.” It’s everything she wanted to say, but with no one to respond. Her knees shake when she finishes and she has to sit down to collect herself.

“Hey, we’re going to the festival, are you coming?” Abby and Sarah march out of her room. When they see Alex sitting with her head bowed and her hands gripping her phone so hard her knuckles are white, they stop and immediately surround her. “What’s wrong? Are you ok?” Alex doesn’t even realize that she’s crying until Abby’s hands reach up and brush away a stray tear.

“I just...um...I just asked Tobin to meet me at the field. Like a...meet me if you think we can be more than friends.” The words sound childish coming from her mouth, like a middle school type of confession - “check yes if you like me, check no if you don’t.” But Abby folds her up in her arms.

“Hey, no matter what happens, it’ll be ok.” Abby promises and Alex has never been more grateful for her roommate’s comfort.

~**~

Abby drops Alex off a half an hour before they were supposed to meet and the half an hour crawls by. Alex distracts herself by doing stadium runs until her legs beg for rest. She sits in the bleachers overlooking the turf and shakes restlessly. If the first half an hour moves at a tortoise pace, the second one flies by. _She probably got lost._ She reasons, and for the next half an hour she convinces herself that’s the case. It’s reasonable, Tobin was always getting lost. But an hour passes and there’s still no sign of Tobin. The sun sets over the billboard, lighting up the stadium one last time before dipping behind the opposite stands and plunging her side into a chilly dusk. She rubs her hands for warmth and squints, hoping to catch movement out of any of the exits.

Alex knows she’s well on her way to catching her cold. But maybe, just maybe if she hangs out there another moment, maybe Tobin will be there, maybe Tobin will show up like she’d dreamed of for so long. 

The darkness takes its toll on Alex’s eyes and she blinks, and rubs, and finally closes them. It’s not a minute that she drifts when an arm rests on her shoulder and she jumps. 

“Tob-” The name dies in her throat when she sees who it actually is. She wordlessly buries her face into her collarbone. 

“Hey. Hey. Shh.” Abby rocks her back and forth as Alex sobs into her jacket. It’s blinding, the pain, and it aches far deeper than she ever thought possible. It’s a clean pain, not lingering like the hurt of wanting and not having. It’s a feeling she knows she’ll come to accept, she has to or it will kill her. 

“She was at the festival, wasn’t she?” Alex whispers when she calms down enough to form sentences. Abby doesn’t immediately respond, and when she does, Alex can tell she’s holding back. 

“Yes. She was.” 

“She’s not meeting me, is she?” In reply, Abby clutches her tighter and presses her lips to her temple and Alex can’t control her choked sobs.

 “Sarah has ice cream and hot chocolate. And a ton of sappy movies.” Abby says and applies pressure for Alex to stand. They get to their feet together and Abby holds her up because she can’t do it herself.

 They make it to the stadium exit before a shout stops them in their tracks - stops Alex’s heart in place.

 “LEAVE HER! WAIT!” Tobin screams from across the hall. Abby and Alex both turn to see Tobin sprinting towards them. When she’s a few feet away, she lets her hands fall to her knees and sucks in air like she’s never going to get enough. Abby lets go of Alex’s shoulders, and Alex finds the strength to stand on her own.

 “I’m...going...” Abby says hesitantly, waiting for confirmation that it was the right thing to do. Alex nods and Abby shuffles away with her hands in her pocket. When Tobin is done catching her breath, and Alex done collecting the pieces of her heart, they silently walk together in the corridor.

 “I got your message.” Tobin says.

 “Just now?” Alex asks, hopeful that it was just a case of a misplaced phone or a delayed listen. Tobin stares at the ground guiltily and shakes her head.

 “Right before the festival.” Her heart sinks.

 “And you went to the festival instead of meeting me.” It’s not an accusatory tone that Alex takes, it’s more a stating of facts and Tobin nods.

 “I met...I met up with Sean.” Tobin scans her eyes and sees the patience she’s learned over the course of this long, drawn-out fight. “She’s what I need.” Tobin stops walking and Alex stops too. Alex reminds herself to breathe, and to wait because Tobin is here with her and not with Sean. “She’s not what I want. She’s a candle, you’re a fire and screw it, I want to burn. And I’m done waiting for God to make something happen.” She can see Tobin’s pulse fluttering and it matches her own. She reaches out with her hand, cutting the space between them in half. Tobin glances down and then back up into Alex’s terrified, expectant eyes. Her arm moves forward and grasps Alex’s fingers.

 They’ve held hands before, it’s not an unfamiliar feeling. But this...this sets Alex’s whole body aflame and she thinks she might die from it. She understands what Tobin means by “burn.” She forgets the cold, she forgets the wind blowing through the columns of the stadium. She focuses solely on Tobin’s warmth, Tobin’s hands wrapped around hers, Tobin’s eyes and smile as it spreads hesitantly until it overtakes her face. She focuses on just _Tobin._

 They walk hand in hand silently until they find themselves at the very top of the stadium overlooking the city. It’s even colder up there and Tobin wraps her arms around Alex to keep her from shivering. She’s always been a warm person and Alex marvels at how an embrace she’s gotten so used to can feel so new again. It makes her light-headed with ecstasy.

 “You’re wearing a pink headband...” Tobin removes one arm and tugs at the prewrap around Alex’s head.

 “Yeah.” Alex replies and when she can feel Tobin’s questioning stare, she explains. “I needed all the luck I could get. I put my left shoe on before my right too.” Tobin laughs brightly and the peal of her voice makes Alex shiver with delight. Tobin mistakes it for her being cold and holds her close again. Alex doesn’t bother correcting her. She can feel the midfielder’s breath along her ear.

 “I promise I won’t hurt you.” Alex says, knowing there’s no way she can actually make that vow. But Tobin takes it in stride.

 “I don’t care if you do. As long as I have you now.” Her hands find Tobin’s and she squeezes hers reassuringly.

 She’s done making the first move. She's already done it three times and all three have ended up disastrous in some way. So she stands there and waits. Alex is aware of Tobin's eyes on her, expecting more, but she doesn't want to turn. She doesn't want to jinx it again because they've made it this far and she doesn't want to take a single step back. It's superstitious and stupid, but she can’t help thinking that if she kisses Tobin now, God Himself will step in and break them apart. And if she were to look at Tobin now, if she were to set her eyes upon those glowing amber pools, gazing at her with a timid, questioning happiness, she wouldn't be able to control herself. Besides, she swears, the city lights are so much more interesting.

"Alex..." Tobin calls her name softly and it's pure habit and reaction that she turns, violating her own promise not two seconds after she made it. Then again Tobin's voice has always been a siren song to her. Tobin is already leaning before she realizes what's going on. It's a good thing that Tobin has such a strong grip around her because she's flying the second she feels Tobin's lips on hers. She's soaring with only Tobin to anchor her. She waits for Tobin to pull away but she doesn't, and it then hits her how real it is, that they're kissing and they both want it and nothing is falling apart. The thought makes Alex so giddy she giggles into the kiss and Tobin pulls away, confused and adorably distressed.

"What?" Tobin asks, her eyes seeking Alex's for any doubt.

"Nothing, idiot." Alex replies. This time she leans in and kisses Tobin again. The world is surprisingly quiet around them, as if it has stopped to give them this moment. Alex takes full advantage of it. She sends a quick prayer to God thanking Him, and she’s sure Tobin’s done the same. But as soon as the prayer leaves her thoughts, she doesn’t think of God again. She only thinks of Tobin’s lips on hers. Tobin’s grin is blinding when they pull away and Alex’s heart skips a beat.

“I love you.” Alex whispers. Tobin keeps the grin plastered on her face, she couldn’t fight it if she wanted to. _Just like that._ Alex thinks.

This is the smile she’s fallen in love with.

_**Fin** _


End file.
